Waaay back when I was 19 and thought I was tough and knew everything, I connected with an acquaintance who was going to another state to visit a well-known motorcycle group. We went in my car.
Sometime during that day, he thought it would be a really good idea for him to be asked into that gang and thought turning me out would be the way to do it. (Turning someone out means turning them over to have sex with the whoever wanted to participate; “pulling a train” in other words).
Now, at 19, I was pretty naive. I’d only had sex a few times… was not exactly promiscuous. Anyway, he promised that if I’d have sex with him, that would be the end of it… it wasn’t. If I remember correctly, there was 12 of them. What I did was basically turn my head to the wall and ignore it all until they threatened to shoot me with a beebee gun, which they did ~ a few times.
Finally, the owner of the place we were on put an end to it. I got dressed and went out where I was approached by the women of the group carrying guns. They wanted to know if their men had been involved. Uh, no, of course not! Hell, I dunno, I don’t know who they are or who you belong to! Sheesh! Well, that answer didn’t go over very well.
At gunpoint, they brought the registration to my car over to me and had me sign it over to them. At that time, in that state, one didn’t need a pink slip to prove ownership… just the registration.
Why didn’t I leave? Young and dumb… fear of what would happen if I did… not knowing who their neighbors were and if they were aligned… (later found out that off-duty police were hired by the gang’s president to guard their property at night).
Later that evening, somehow I ended up in the back of the van a some of the guys who were sniffing cleaning fluid. How that was done as I remember it was they had a paper towel in a bag and would add drops of the fluid onto the paper towel, hold the bag over their faces and inhale. I did that. Not caring and not knowing the consequences. I eventually fell asleep with the bag over my face. I remember someone taking it away and that’s all I remember until the next day… when I couldn’t speak a complete sentence… just totally out of it. Couldn’t remember things, couldn’t talk coherently… until about 3 days later. Brain cells were gone.
That day, the prez took me to his home and told everyone that I was off-limits unless “I” agreed. I was there to take care of his child (his wife didn’t take care of her and really hated me). He had another couple there and they were kinder although the wife asked numerous times if her husband had partaken. He hadn’t. Yeah, that I remember…. I think.
I got out of there after having been there for 2 weeks when a biker from another gang came out for a visit and asked the prez for me. I chatted with the guy who told me if I wanted to go home, this was my out. I did. I went with him to his place… no sex, nothing. He took me home.
When I got back to my apartment, the locks were changed, all my belongings removed. I was told I could have them back when I came up with the rent. I’d lost my job and so stayed with some friends. I had no clothing except what I’d left with, no job.
My mother was working in the city I was living in and saw me on the street one day barefoot. She told me to come “home”.. I did, long enough to get myself together and get my job back. Then, out again with a better understanding… staying away from local gangs.
Anyway, I’m telling this story more to explain my memory problems than anything yet, if some teenager reads it and realizes they’re not as smart as they think they are.. cool! The thing is, we get out of school having had little real life experience thinking we know it all. Then we (usually) get married, want to buy a house, a car, have children, go into debt when we’re dumber than bricks. One of the best things I can say for me is, I didn’t get pregnant. I realized about that time I was barely smart enough to survive, much less thrive.
So, back to memory. I don’t remember having too many problems with memory when I was younger except people would tell me that I’d said something when I hadn’t. My teacher told me I’d probably split some personalities, probably as survival mechanisms after my father died when I was 12, but certainly after the rape. I remember at one point after a session with my teacher, he kept saying a certain thing to me over and over. I finally asked why he kept saying it and he said, “Don’t you remember saying that to me during our session?” Uhhhmmm, no.
Over the years I’ve had the usual things ~ forgetting where my keys or glasses were. At one point I was driving for a pizza company and I realized how bad my memory was at times. I was doing SunRider at the time and they have a product called “TOP”. When I took it, I could remember the address after seeing it one time. When I didn’t, I not only couldn’t remember the address, I couldn’t remember how to get there AFTER having been there numerous times. (You’re wondering why I don’t take TOP again? Because I feel there HAS to be another/more way(s) than purchasing a very expensive product like that.. it’s a combination of herbs… AND, I’m not a distributor anymore). It’s not something I’m throwing out.. just not doing currently.
Over the last years, I’ve been, off and on, having trouble remembering words more than anything. I’ll be saying something and the word is gone… common words.
The upside to this is, learning how to deal with it and looking at ways I can help others deal with memory issues. One thing I’ve learned is to “sip” the word… not try so hard to remember it; not get frustrated… just allow myself to kind of be with it.. go through the alphabet, etc. How I learned to do this was when I was in my early 30′s and had severe asthma. I refused any medications so, would sit quietly and sip air. I think more people die from panicking about asthma than the asthma itself. Panic creates the inability to breathe and also to remember and think.
What I’m doing now is, what I’ve been doing for the last 30 years… using myself as an experiment so I can assist others in healing.
A few things I’m working with are, of course, raw foods. I feasted on smoozies for 4 days; been 100% (minus the questionables) for 48 days now (off and on for 12 years)… don’t see much of a difference. I workout, I get fresh air, I write, I do the word games… all the things people say to do. Don’t see much difference.
I’ve started doing essential oils again. They seem to make a difference in energy… staying focused and productive.
I’m also checking out herbs since that’s what helped at one point and possibly sprouts.
Oh! One thing I found that made a difference many years ago was to put a shield in front of my computer AND shut it down when I wasn’t using it, turning it on only 3 times a day to check email, etc. Problem is now, it’s my business; it’s my connection with clients, etc. Much of my writing I can do on a legal pad (which I do anyway) yet, it all has to go on the computer.
One thing we’re working with is DragonSpeaks. It’s much easier to talk into the computer than to type. Takes less time and I don’t have to sit in front of the computer. I can get someone to edit and lay it out.
So, when you’ve told me you’ve met me and I don’t recognize you, it’s not because you’re not important or recognizable, you may just be unrecognizable to me. I’m working/playing with it.
I’ll get back to this ~ maybe ~ if I remember.